I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
