I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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