Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
