I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
