whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
