I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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