the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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