How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
