I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
