we have officially lost it.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize