I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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