i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All the doctor said was why
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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