so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
