I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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