She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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