bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
