ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
