dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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