i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
