My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
