You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
