I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
