Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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