I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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