my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
