I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
