New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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