zippers are such a cool invention
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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