you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
