I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
