Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
