i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize