how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
