im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
