Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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