my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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