I cannot find my penis.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
