I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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