You smell like a Billy Joel song
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
