Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
