On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
