THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
