o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
