he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
