I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
