u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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