you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Someone shit on the floor
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
