You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
