Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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