dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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