I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
