beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
