A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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