hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
