the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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