Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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