After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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