New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
