The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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