look no pants
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
