saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He better not be in your backpack
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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