I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just cut my nipple shaving
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
