He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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