Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
