I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
