We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
