the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
