I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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