I faked an abortion last night.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
